I hate my girlfriend.

It's nothing personal, I just can't stand her anymore. I am no longer intrigued by her eyes and sex has become boring (though not unpleasurable). Her birthday is coming up soon and I hope I can find another girl to screw before it so I won't have to buy her anything.

This is how it goes with me and my women: In the bginning I am fascinated bu the tiny individual quirks she posesses. I plumb the depths of her mind and body and try to immerse myself in everything that makes her 'her'. But women and shallow and silly and this only lasts so long, and then the quirks I already know begin to repeat themselves and become flaws and I'm overcome by a terrible feeling of permanent deja vu. This quickly becomes irritation at her presence and eventually hate. At this point all that keeps me there is the sex. When we aren't having sex I spend every moment with her concentrating the best I can on not yelling at her for being herself, and every moment away from her trying to find a new girl to screw.

She has a lovely mole on her back. Since it's not on her tits or thighs or stomach or ass or face, nobody before me ever paid it any attention. She likes that about me, the appreciation I have for her mundane details. I think she might love me. I take (or used to) genuine interest in (certain) things she has to say and am capable of conversing on a wide variety of topics that aren't me and drugs (sometimes I think I talk too much, but it's only because I find myself much more interesting than most other people. This would bother me if I didn't think most other people agreed with me on this). I think she might love me, but I hope not because she's a good person and I don't want to hurt her even though I hate her. She possesses a well of infinite kindness that I find both attractive and incomprehensible. I met her when we were both working at a restaurant and a man who said he was broke and hadn't eaten in two days was trying to get us to give him a little free food. She gave him money to buy it and I was struck by this act of voluntary kindness. She possesses the ability to love (which I'm not sure I do) and I think she has directed this ability towards me but I hope not because I'll only hurt her.

I know her too well. Every tiny action of hers reminds me of the deep personal things I now hate about her. She will give a bum on the street not just a little change but a few dollars. She's so FUCKING NICE and I can't stand that anymore, for no other reason than that I am not nice at all.

She will make a casual comment about someon'e dog and I will think of her unnatural obsession with dogs. She has posters everywhere of the fucking creatures! She has a 50-page photo album full of dogs she has owned (over 20 so far, including three now). And every one of these dogs is the ridiculous, yapping chick kind of mutt--poodles, pomeranians--that I find repulsive because of their overwhelming gregariousness and need to be petted and lvoed. Give me a good cat anytime. A cat doesn't give a god damn if you live or die, much less your approval or love.

It doesn't help that she shares this particular trait. She must be liked--by EVERYONE. She will not start a fight or yell at anyone or even disagree too strongly. She won't ridicule or dismiss or degrade or scoff at anyone's opinion about anything (!?!). She always has something positive to say about everyone. There was a guy in my neighborhood who broke into my apartment twice to steal my weed. He also stole my bike and a bottle of vodkae and even took a shit on my kitchen counter (he shit on my kitchen counter! Okay? Fuckin--ahh, anyway...). At parties in the neighborhood he would grab my girlfriend's ass with me right there, and he would start fights for no reason, just to get his fucking rocks off. One day I was coming home and saw him climbing out the window (I couldn't figure out who'd been breaking into my apartment until then) . I chased him but he had a good head start and I couldn't catch him. I went home and grabbed my baseball bat and a switchblade (the baseball bat I planned to use, the switchblade was just in case). While I was getting prepared my girlfriend came over and this--THIS--is what she said: "He's jsut angry and misguided. He's got alot of spark in him and I just hope he finds something constructive to put his energy towards." There are no words for my reaction to this! I was stunned, I was speechless! "Sweetie, are you sure you understand the situation?" "Yes--and if you go over there and hurt him I don't think I'll want to know you anymore." This was when I was just on the cusp of the irritation phase. I didn't want to lose her just yet. So I waited until the left to kick his ass. She can not be mean to anyone!

But she's no saint, oh no. I should qualify the sentence two previous. She can not be mean to anyone TO THEIR FACE. Or to people she doesn't know. Behind close acquaintances backs who she perceives in her unfathomable way to deserve it, she is scheming, vicious, manipulative, cold, dismissive, and NOT IN A GOOD WAY. In a HURTFUL way. Just to HURT people she does things. She steals little things she finds cute, she badmouth's people's looks and the tiniest vanity points of their person, she lies to people about other people in an effort to pit them against each other, but her lies are so subtle that no one ever realizes that she is the reason there is now a black rift in their life where there once was friendship (I only notice because I am a dedicated and skilled observer of the human condition. Most people are more interested in beer). When I haven't made her feel beautiful enough she gets pouty, but it's not really pouty, it's a calculated attempt to play on my guilt even though she knows I don't have any of that. When it doesn't work she cries to play on my sympathy even though I have very little of that (and much less, now that I hate her). When crying doesn't work she screams and withholds sex. I enjoy the screaming, it's exciting and fun, but I don't know why she doesn't skip straight to the withholding sex part because it's the only thing that really works. No wait, I know. She just likes the drama, the little 3-act play, in AMUSES her, she gets off on it. The BITCH. I hate her som much. I have to get away from her, I need new pussy. I feel ill. I need to lie down. I need to go to slepp, to hibernate until she gets bored and leaves. I have to break up with her, I have to tell her tonight, today, NOW, I need to call that fucking annoying twat NOW and tell her it's over, it's done, WE'RE done, through, fini, it's the END. But will I? I don't know--what would I do then--masturbate?



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