SEE...

See, I was at this party, okay? Just some party, random party-I met this girl I knew from damn Middle School, haven't seen her in five years okay? So her name's Gina Grey (her whole family's got nothing but G-G names, except for her mother, but get this-her maiden name's Sarah Sheffield) Well, we're talking, pretty quickly she says this:

God, my ex-boyfriend, he broke into my car!

Oh, yeah yeah, this is terrible here says her friend

I've got a restraining order on him now, I mean

He's an asshole, I dated him too
for a couple weeks

We were at the beach, okay
And we were swimming, and when we came back the back window was just
Busted out,
All our CDs were gone,

Like, 20 of them

And there was a great
big

Now right then I'm thinking Shit man-that was me. No doubt about it-when she mentioned that great big thing, I knew for sure. Now, what happened was, me and Jay Sanders were down at the beach, Crescent Beach, and ripped to the tits okay, we had a bunch of beer, and a couple bottles of rum, and me and him and a couple other guys were walking along the beach and we see these three cars, nobody around, and I say Shit

Let's break into em
Let's fuck em up.

Jay he's up for it, the other two guys not, which is why I don't mention their names-they don't deserve to be immortalized in this fashion (or really in any fashion). So me and Jay we got this BB rifle with us and we try and bust out the back window where the CDs are with the butt of it. But we can't so, I run back to our car and, get the pellets and, run back and, we shoot it out. Jay knocks the rest of the glass out with a T-shirt around his fist. We take the CDs-straight shit okay, Trisha Yearwood, nothing but pop bullshit, and one Tom Petty CD, which was good. Nothin but straight shit besides that, though.

Now to pay these assholes back for having such garbage for us to steal, I get up on the windshield, squat down, and take a big fat SHIT on their windshield. It rolls down, sits right there on the windshield wiper. I jump across to the next car, do the same. Lands right in the middle, stays right there. Beautiful, man-I m m a c u l a t e ! Then we leave, and mostly forget about it for a couple days, until-two, three days later mind you-we meet this girl, randomly at a party, that I haven't seen in five years, and it's her car we shit on and broke into!

God, I just want to kill my ex-boyfriend for that

Yeah, we had to take that off the car

God, that was disgusting!
Seriously, no lie
I puked.
It was that terrible

And God but you know what,
You know what he says?
The asshole
He says that we broke into his car

Oh, yeah!
And stole a bunch of his shit!
Like, a knife and a bunch of random
crap he had in his car

Guess who did that? Yep-it was a good knife, too. 

So they're goin on, pissed off, they hate this fucker that did this to em, and it's all I can do to not fall down laughing!

So…well--I guess that's it.

THE END