Introductory Note: This was written and performed for my 10th grade drama class (I wrote it and played Old James). The teacher said it was the worst piece of garbage he'd ever seen in his life. I'm fairly proud of that.

THE INBREDS

(Cletus sits on a stump wearing a pair of overalls. He holds a stick, which he carves the bark off of.)

CLETUS- There. A bee-yoo-tee-ful work of art. (Looks over at MAMMA on the other side of the stage) MAW!! Where's my dinner!?

MAMMA- It's in the chicken coop, where d'you think?

CLETUS- Dang, mamma! If it's another one a them hamhock chicken bone sammiches, I'll tan yer hide good! (Sets the stick down on the ground)

MAMMA- You'll eat that sammich and like it, else we ain't gone to have sex'al relations n'more!

CLETUS- Dang! (Starts walking off stage, Old James enters)

OLD JAMES- Ehhhhh, Clts, y go smore eh th stuff I smd ye'day? Sonny tha blw m mind!

CLETUS- Dog gone, Old James, you need to quit drankin that thar moonshine. You ain't right in the head no more

OLD JAMES- I jes fine I th hed, sonny boy! I ain't had a drank in tenny-fah yars! (They walk off the stage)

MAMMA (sitting on a rocking chair with Bandine)- Honestly, Bandine, I got no idea what to do with the young'n! He's been rowdy 'n' out of his head a late, and bless his soul, he just ain't been perfarmin in the bed of late, nother!

BANDINE- Aw, don't worry 'bout it. When mah little Clyde hit 30, he went through jes the same kind of temper. Wawntin t' move out the barn, have sex with folk who ain't relation, I mean can you imagine? So I jes chained him to Bessie, mah old steer, an he straightened right on out.

MAMMA- We shore is ignorant, huh Bandine?

BANDINE- We sho' is! Hee hyaw! (they both laugh)

CLETUS- (running on stage) Moma! Moma! Look what I found down at the ol' fishin' hole! An entire pair o' shoes! (he holds up a dirty pair of shoes)

MAMMA- Shoes!? Boy, you know we ain't got use for them in these parts! Now you best take em back where from y'got 'em.

CLETUS- I thought you might could wear 'em to your new job in-ter-vee-yew.

MAMMA- Now, you know they don't allowin' clunkers like that on th' topless dancin' floor.

BANDINE- Now, you come a-callin when you find us a skunk to fry up.

CLETUS- (starts walking off stage, then sees the stick he was carving with, and gets an idea. He picks up the stick and runs back to MAMMA and BANDINE) Moma! Moma! Look-ee at what I can do! (he holds the stick over his head and starts beating himself in the head with it)

MAMMA- (grabs his arm and stops him from beating himself) Cletus, Cletus! I know you're just trying to impress me, but you'll get yer lice all up in the stick, and you never know when a stick'll shore come in handy!

CLETUS- But waren't you impressed with my talent?

MAMMA- Of course I was, cootchie-poo, but now's not the time.

CLETUS- Okay. (walks away, sits on his stump again. Old James walks on stage)

OLD JAMES- Ehhhhhh, Clts! Now you best lis'n t'yer moma, shnows whass good fer ya!

CLETUS- Man, Old James! I'm a-worried Mamma ain't takin a likin to me n'mores. I just brought her a bright and shiny and wun'ful pair of clunkers for her, and she raht spit in mah face! Then I tried to im-press her by showing off my skills at stick-beatin' and she jes sent me on! What should I do, Old James?

OLD JAMES- (Excited about the shoes) Ehhhhhhhhh, Clts! Them's raht nahs shoes! Y'n'll geme pair?

CLETUS- (sad that Old James can't help him) Old James, you're a lowlife, snake-in-the-grass, good for nothin, cotton-pickin drunk!

OLD JAMES- Y'll leme havem?

CLETUS- Yeah, take 'em, Old James (He throws them in Old James' stomach. Old James squeals in delight, and puts them on, then walks around proudly) C'mon, Old James, I got some moonshine I c'n let ya have.

OLD JAMES- Y! I luuuuv moonshine!

CLETUS- You'll'n have to com-pen-sate me with 10 boarhides, tho.

OLD JAMES- Aw, Cletus, I jes stopped drankin ye'day! (they go offstage)

MAMMA- Bandine- you ever tried that thar chicken back?

BANDINE- Cors! You ever had that thar broiled fishhead?

MAMMA- Naw, wha'ss that lahk?

CLETUS- (running on stage again, Old James right behind him) Moma! Moma! I saw'd an a-lee-en! He jes came down a-out-a the sky, an said him and his kind was gone to give me an a-nal probe! Moma, wha'ss an a-nal probe?

MAMMA- Cletus, why you gon make up tales jes to get attention?

CLETUS- I'ss the truth, moma!

OLD JAMES- Ehhhhhhh, I saw th thang! M'; was dang ol' like, flashy lahts, n all up sky n dang ol' (babbles)

BANDINE- Shut up, Old James, you dun drank y'self stupid!

CLETUS- Moma! I'ss true!

MAMMA- Cletus, one mo' word outta your sinn'n mouth, an I will wash it out with soap!

CLETUS- But, moma!

CITY WOMAN- (comes on to the stage) So you're the ones living here! Good God, I've never seen such a run-down dump in my entire life! Cows and chickens mating inside that house, no running water or electricity anywhere, and it looks like the baby on that road over there has rabies! (pulls out a notepad and starts writing in it) I'm afraid I'm going to have to have this entire place destroyed for the good of the city!

CLETUS- City folk! (pulls out a shotgun and fires at CITY WOMAN)

OLD JAMES- Cy fk! (CITY WOMAN runs off stage)

CLETUS- Get gone, crazy city folk! MAMMA- Oh, Cletus, I'm so proud of you! (runs over and gives him a hug)

CLETUS- Aw, moma! Let's stop all the fussin and-a feudin and jes be friends!

BANDINE- And sex pardners!

MAMMA- I love y' Cletus!

CLETUS- I love y'mamma! (They start walking off stage)

OLD JAMES- I luv y' Bandy!

BANDINE- Ew! Last tahm I made sex w'yew I was sick for a week.

OLD JAMES- (laughs diabolically, starts walking towards BANDINE with fire in his eyes)

BANDINE- AAAAA! (runs off stage, OLD JAMES runs off after her)

THE END

This weird fucking story sucks Keenspace's dick because it's a free (and it shows) webhosting and site fuckup service for shitty webcomics that shouldn't be written anyway.