THE PROFESSOR

The professor enters 10 minutes late, papers in his hand fall out, a steady trail of them traces his path to the bathroom where he jacked off simply to the name of one of his more attractive students. A hash pipe falls out of his pocket: "Oh, ha ha, excuse me," he picks it up and throws the papers out the window: "Complete shit! All of it!" Then begins his lecture.

"Now the longest string of letters that can be combined to create a single-syllable word (in the English language, of course) is 'Schplortzed.'" He writes it on the blackboard, "but, since 'schplortzed' is not technically a word I must clarify. We are talking about possible words here. 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!'" he writes it out, "denoting a scream, or 'pthpthpthpthpthpth', denoting a fart noise made with the mouth, do not count.

"Now, the next obvious question is, what might schplortzed mean? In my mind it conjures an image of forcible sodomy, but that of course is only due to my particular proclivities, ha ha."

The professor teaches Non-Euclidean geometry, but refuses to even mention it in lecture. He assigns papers on brain tumors, autoerotic asphyxiation, secrets of Masonry, and ass wiping techniques (a comparative study)-whatever is on his mind, and only asks his students the first question about the subject on the final exam. He expects them to know the entire book by then, without his help. Woe be to the student who asks for clarification-they are likely to receive a hideous scream of rage, or an impromptu abortion. The professor is normally low-key and pleasant but has a temper like a badger/purple-assed baboon hybrid.

"Professor I was wondering about the triangulation technique on page 347…"

"NOISE!! GOD DAMN NOISE!!" He brandishes a 6-foot tapeworm. "Chew on this, stupid!" and rams it down the student's throat.

Stories abound of students who crossed the wrong line and received forced liver transplants, circumcisions, partial lobotomies, trepanations and hot soup enemas-the professor used to be a well-respected surgeon. He lost his license for leaving a package of Marlboros in someone's brain, and was forced into the completely shameful and low profession of teaching. In his own words: "It's a dirty disgusting stupid useless job but I've got to do it, god dammit."

 

JANUARY ELEVENTH-FIRST DAY OF CLASS-TODAY'S LECTURE: "Now I remember old Moldy Marv he refused to take a bath unless it was fall, Thursday, and a blue moon all at the same time. he was waddlin down the street killin' flies with his stink, wiltin' flowers and damned if 25 anorexic girls didn't flock right to him any time he passed a restauraunt. He was well known by those skinny peaches-he'd leave a trail of vomit and dead things anywhere he went. So ol' Moldy Marv he bumps into me and just from the surprise of it (me not lookin' where I'm goin' like the blind fool I am) I vomit all over myself! "'So sorry' he say 'Please--let me make it up to you'--slipped into my hand a ball of opium the size of a baseball!

"'Well, thank you kindly sir but I'm a respected medical professional-I can get pure Morphine, Demerol, Percoset, OxyContin, Prozac, Codeine, Eukodol, and Heroin and anything else my filthy veins desire 100 percent for-free--you'll hafta offer me somethin better to make up for this awful tragedy you befallen on me'

"He thinks a little-says 'Man, I know this little 19-year old Ethiopian broad been studyin' the Kama Sutra since since a age of 6½--' That's when I cut him off to say 'Ethiopian? I don't want no feelthy Ethiopian! You have quite plainly shit all over my respectability, my self-esteem and my conscience.'…"

Sitting in the front row listening to this sordid tale is Albert the Eyeball, a flat out genetic freak through and through, from his one eyeball in the center of his face to his suction-like feet which secrete a specialized mucus to aid in digestion. Albert also boasts scales on his skin, gills for aquatic respiration, a hard spiny iguana like spine, a turtle-shaped hunchbacked torso, suction-like mouth resembling that of the remora, and a prolapsed, prehensile rectum that is able to climb out of Albert's pants and go feeling around for whatever it is it thinks it needs. And I do not use think in a facetious or illustrative context. Albert's rectum seems to have a mind of it's own. He has no control over it. Lately it seems to be teaching itself to talk-horrible guttural noises, like a….well, like a talking ass.

Now of course when infant innocence is lost and a child attains the concept of self-image, there is sometimes no way to deal rationally with it. Such was the case with Albert. Turning to religion at a young age, it seems he subconsciously realized that the only way for him to cope with the horror of this life was to believe in a 'heaven,' where the 'good' will live in 'bliss' forever 'after they die'.

(Disparaging comments deleted for purposes of journalistic integrity)

Due to his complete(ly insane) and utter devotion to Christianity and its tenets Albert's hatred of sin is matched only by his total ignorance of the realities of sin (though one sin he is quite familiar with is masturbation-like all excessively backed-up religious types, Albert masturbates constantly-sometimes 10-25 times a day. Unable to cope with the shame and guilt, he resorts to masochistic practices so that God won't send him to hell. His favorite is pulling himself off with steel wool.)

"Folks getting addicted to marijuana injections and havin sex across state lines--what's a good religious man like me s'pose to do in these trouble times?" He's been known to say.

 

Back to the issue at hand. The professor's soliloquy must have rubbed Albert the wrong way because he lets out a scream like gorilla on PCP, turns over the desk and attacks the professor with sheer God-given absolute unmitigated Godzilla and Eminem drunk on whiskey in a steel cage death match rage--course the professor's no dummy, he keeps himself prepared--whips out a 20,000 volt taser and takes quick care of little Albert.

Albert's lying there twitching and drooling and making little whimpery noises (what do you know, his asshole's doin the same) and the professor whips out his phone and calls Animal Control. "I need backup here quickly goddammit I've got some kinda giant chimpanzee crab on steroids here! It tried to eat my face but I neutralized it-I don't know how long it'll last though" Just to be safe, he zaps Albert again.

Now at Animal Control they put the animals to sleep after 72 hours and the professor had pumped so many volts inna Albert they thought he was a rabid simian, so I guess he got what was coming to him. He never came back to class anyway, I know that.

 

EPILOGUE: ALBERT AT ANIMAL CONTROL

Albert struggles to speak through a mind-haze of electrical fuzz.

The initial diagnosis as a rabid simian has been questioned. A specialist has been brought in to study Albert. He takes one look and recoils in rage. "Bah! A Bolivian Turtle Monkey-the most reviled creature on earth! I say kill it now."

At that moment the asshole speaks up: "No! Don't kill me!"

Specialist: "What in bloody hell?"

In biological terms, the instinct to survive has taken over-the previously unintelligible asshole has succeeded in speaking like a Shakespearean-trained actor. This time, however, competing instincts prevail. The specialist takes a butcher knife and hacks off the rectum. To the surprised Animal Control workers he explains: "Don't you know a talking asshole is the most effective of all known aphrodisiacs? I'll boil this thing down to it's juices and make a fortune!"

And Albert suffers the most horrible fate there is: to die without an asshole.

THE END

 

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